Blurr..
2/24/2009 12:24:00 AM - Posted by April - 2 comments
She just stood there blank..watching the traffic race past her. It was a blurr inspite of all the streetlight. Couldn't quite make up her mind which way to go. There was a lump in her throat. No matter how much she struggled to push it back, it wouldn't just go away. The grief swelled up in her heart forcing its way out of her eyes. Fighting back tears, she decided not go home that day. She was quite far away from home and couldn't keep the tears from coming. Didn't want to go crying all the way. Wanted to linger..take in what had just happened. There was a void, she dint know where exactly but she thought it had always been there. Coexisting with her. Consuming her. She had always felt empty. Now the emptiness exerted itself. Never felt this cheated at the end of a day. Humiliated and dejected. As the headlights from the cars and autos strayed and blinded her, she grew aware of her situation. Three long hours she had stood there , on the pavement, like a fool. She couldn't stand there all night! He wasn't going to show up. Even though she had told him if he dint turn up, she would understand he was no longer interested in being together. He had made her believe that nothing could keep him from coming today. He said he would..if he got his bike back in time. It was a twenty minute ride from his place. He could have easily taken an auto. Wouldn't have cost him his dignity. So this was what she was worth. Realization suddenly dawned on her. Something told her this was the end. This time he would not let her down, she had expected. Why had she expected at all? He had never been there for her...ever. The yearning to run away and hide herself somewhere, to scream the lump out of her throat, only grew stronger every passing second. And before it got the better of her she decided to head home.


I kissed a girl...I liked it ;P
2/23/2009 12:06:00 AM - Posted by April - 7 comments
"Ruchi...don't you have any boyfriends?". Taken aback, her hand shook and the lipstick drew a nice red line on her face, extending from the corner of her lip to her ear. Gwweat, now she looked like a clown...perfect!! When did she enter the room? Startled..she turned to face her mother, looking electrocuted and clownish. Innocence at its best. Why was mom asking? "Shiet...did she find out about Nitin?" realising her mother was staring intently at her, Ruchi nervously shifted gaze. Her mind screamed...she knows, ohh my god she knows!! Was it so obvious that he had kissed her last night? HOW could she tell? Did it show she was nervous, her heart pounding like crazy, she was afraid her mother could almost hear it? Did it, did it, did it?

"Maybe I'm just thinking too much", Ruchi tried to convince herself. There was absolutely no way she could have known about the kiss unless she was there at the disc.

"No..I thought Tammy has one. Doesn't she?" came another question, finding no reply for the first. "And what's with these two girls in your class? Are they a couple?"
Sigh of relief!! Whoa..slow down with the questions lady!!

"Heh..dunno know mom. Silly rumors. They're good girls", she lied.

"Whatever they are, you stay miles away from them. Am I clear?", said the stern look.

"Crystal", she murmured under her breath.

"Tammy called up to ask permission for a night stay, speaking of which, are there boys at her party too??", mother inquired with one raised eyebrow. "No ..not at all", trying hard not to stammer, she lied again.

"Wipe off that lipstick. Its all over your face", mother moved towards the door. "And no kissing boys in the party", she said half glaring as she left.

"Phew..that was close", Ruchi slumped into her bed. How does she know about boys at the party?
---------
"Ruchi its your first time, go slow babes", Tammy looked concerned.

"Yeah babes..lesss go get dwwwunk", an incredibly drunk Ruchi said, reaching out for Tammy's hand. Never made it to her hand.
---------
She woke up to strong sunlight falling on her face, like a bright shock. Half opened her eyes. Her head throbbed. Throat parched. She fell back on the pillow. Her head reeled. Something was missing. What was it? Her hand moved to her head. Naah.. right in place and aching. She sat up like a recoiled spring, blanket almost falling off. Her clothes..her clothes were missing. Shiet, shiet shiet! "Ohh my god!! What did i do? Did i...", she was almost running out of thoughts, fear filling her mind. She searched for her clothes and found them scattered on the sofa along with.... Tammy's?? But she remembered there were no guys with her last night. This she remembered vividly. So..? Did she and Tammy..? How could she? She was not that. She did fancy kissing a girl a couple of times though. But that was because she thought it was the craziest thing to do. She remembered having mentioned this to Tammy. Her head ached badly.

"Heyy..you're up?? What happened honey?". Tammy ... coffee mug ..ooohh head.

"Aww..I told you not to drink but you just wouldn't stop. You were sloshed.What got into you last night? Thank god you didn't have to go home in that condition. But you know what..you were awesome last night." half smiling, Tammy winked at her. A beat.

"I was..?", her mind raced but she couldn't remember anything. "Wh..what happened...", she trailed off, rubbing her forehead. Her mouth went dry. She needed water. Tammy was clearly oblivious to her state of mind. Goddamn confounded stupidity. She should never have come to this wretched party in the first place. "Tammy what happened here last night and my clothes..did something happen that wasn't supposed to happen?" eyes wide open now, she looked like a mess, her mascara smudged all around her eyes. Tammy almost fell on the floor laughing. Ruchi looked at her with puzzlement. What is she..nuts?? "Nothing happened my dear..nothing. Believe me, I don't even know when you took them off", still laughing, she said . "Here have coffee. Its 2 pm. Don't you wanna go home now?", Tammy left the room.

"Nothing happened (saying it a million more times in her head). Thank god. No more parties for me. Never again", she silently promised herself, getting out of bed to get dressed.
---------
Tammy was getting ready in her bathroom. Her boyfriend was coming to pick her up for dinner. "Poor girl. She didn't have the faintest idea what she had gotten into last night", smiling wickedly, she congratulated herself. Ruchi's mother hated girls like her and the couple in the class. Tammy hated her back for being so verbal of her personal opinions. Now won't she like it when she will discover something similar about her own daughter? Ofcourse, nothing happened but spending a night at a party meant only for same sex couples would give her a new reputation. However, Tammy was yet to be discovered..by others, especially her new boyfriend who knew nothing about her. Wicked. Huh? Hahaha! She half laughed. With a final look at herself in the mirror she left to meet her boyfriend downstairs.


People! don't preach..
2/22/2009 01:31:00 AM - Posted by April - 4 comments
"I won't go to the wedding", said Mrinaal storming out of the kitchen.

"And why exactly don't you want to go to the wedding? What is the reason? Look at me when I am talking to you", Mrinaal's mother was fuming. "This girl is getting out of hand every passing day", she thought.

"Please mom, I'm not a kid anymore, I am a 26 year old for god's sake. Can't I take my own decisions without once having to explain them to you?” Banging the door of her room, she didn't care now if she was being rude to her mother. The heated exchanges had become a thing of every day. And it was not just about not going to the wedding. It was almost everything..her refusal to get married, lying at the root of the everyday drama.

"Your uncle got you the gold ring you are wearing right now", said her mother from the other side of the door. "Have the courtesy to return the favor. What will he think of us?"

"If that's why I have to go to the wedding, he can have his ring back". Mrinaal yelled back, her eyes brimming with tears now.

She will never understand. Going to the wedding was like voluntarily jumping in a fire pit. All the relatives looking quizzically at her, probing about the probable reasons of her remaining unmarried, as if it was too late. Some ladies had the nerves to come upto Mrinaal, inquiring if she was having an "affair", while the others just kept whispering and giggling knowingly among themselves...mocking her. The word in itself was like profanity, used generally by the 'ohh so' social women at the kitty parties to gossip about the neighbor's daughter and her possible alliance with a boy, they all secretly fancied.

All her cousins had gotten married, produced kids and done their parents proud. According to them they had undertaken huge responsibilities and were living upto them. Only they didn't have the energy or the enthusiasm in them to appreciate life anymore. It was like a daily chore. Necessary evil..eh?? Feeling secluded at these parties because her cousins feared her singlehood, of their husbands falling prey to an unmarried girl's charms, Mrinaal felt their eyes pricking her. So much for trusting their own husbands. Always eying her with contempt and suspicion if she were even to smile at them. Who would want to be party to such hypocrisy??

It was like her biological clock was ticking in the bodies of her relatives, only not in her own. Why couldn't they accept her once for what she was and let her be? For what she wanted to be in life. Everyone was ready with those easy lectures on late marriages and its repercussions. Every ambitious girl wanted an identity of her own...before losing it in marriage, merging their individuality with someone else's who they hardly knew. Mrinaal was no different. In the whole process of settling someone else without even getting a fair chance to discover who she was and what she was capable of, she was afraid of losing herself.

She would get married, to someone who shared her dreams and thoughts. Someone who would accept her for however imperfect she was, forgive her for her flaws and love her all the same. Someone who had it in him to proudly say to the whole world that she was indeed the only one for him. And someday, she hoped, these overconcerned people will be answered appropriately. Someday...



Bheed mein..mind it!!
2/17/2009 08:18:00 PM - Posted by April - 1 comments
Getting back from a tiring day at college, my bag was complaining about the heavy load of books and threatened to give away.

What is with people these days?? Why do all these people want to shop at the same day..ohhh goddd. Pushing my way past ladies, with long shopping lists at the weekly bazaar, along with their gawky adolescents and even gawkier husbands...I decided to take the easier way out..hire a rikshaaw to take me home. Yaay!!

"You won't be looking quite appealing in that saree in your cousin's wedding darlin, if you keep skipping those walks", said the wise brain.

"Ohh yeah..what about those 100 calories i burnt while shopping..huh?? Selfish calorie counting brain.How many calories did the McDonald's delicious, harmless looking burger contain anyway?? Ohh forget it..i'll never get it right(sigh).

I was about to mount the rikshaw when it happened. I had to stop him. Somehow. In that human maze.

"Oyye!!", i called out, to cut the chase.

No response. He hurried without looking back.

"Excuse me.." i said, almost pulling him back by his t-shirt, a little louder now.

"What the hell do you think you just did??" Had i really just kicked him in the knee, even as i said those word. I couldn't believe myself. He should have reeled in pain but he wasn't exactly on the ground "reeling in pain". He looked me straight in the eye.

He was an adolescent in his pre-teens. "What are you making a scene about??". These words coming out of his impertinent mouth infuriated me so much so that i found myself shaking...with anger. And there.. he got a backhand on his left cheek.

Still no remorse.

Serious self doubt now. "Am i slapping the wrong guy??". "No its him....its him, i saw him".The wise brain again.

"So you thought you would brush me up all nice and get away with that..u bloody bullshit". Yeah..now the words were coming.
"And all this is a scene created by me. Is that why exactly you stood there and took the slap so calmly..you swine??"

Still no response..rather no expression at all. He just walked away as if something very insignificant had happened. Nothing that concerned him at all. He kept talking on his cell phone..the same way he had when he had came up suddenly and grabbed me some where unmentionable.

I turned to leave, fully aware that this was indeed a scene for the onlookers and a pretty amusing one at that. What was souu amusing???

And why the hell was my rikshawaala pedalling at top speed??

Damn!! I'll have to walk myself home.


Seasons
2/16/2009 08:01:00 PM - Posted by April - 3 comments
How oft' in your mind do you think?
What the rude dry winds bring..this winter, this spring?
How oft' do you care to look beyond the visible?
How oft' the pain and its giver become indivisible?
In my mind I think, of roses and spring,
Of frayed emotions, that vanish in an eye's blink,
Of sudden lightning and rain,
Of thunder and shudders and I'm cold again...
Oft' in my mind do I think..of winter and of spring,
They don't make me cold anymore..the rude, cold dry winds.



Illusion or delusion!!
2/13/2009 09:36:00 PM - Posted by April - 4 comments
It seems silly. And as a matter of fact it is silly. How can you seem to know a certain someone even when you've never met in person..ever?? Should logic explain it, we would be more than happy to accept that we're delusional or folie or whatever. Unable to believe oneself, we take refuge in the thought that maybe this is destined. What a way to hide from the ghost of self doubt. Shutting your eyes tightly, hoping you are invisible and the fears accompanied by these doubts will never find you afterall. But they find you and haunt you.
Ever felt like you have a inexplicably deep bond with a person sitting somewhere thousands of miles away from you. A strong feeling that urges you to check your mail..only to find one sent from that stranger, just when you signed in. Everything seems like a sign, pointing in the direction of this unseen fantasy. Everwhere you go, you are followed by the shadow of this unknown familiarity. Or is it just suddenly we start connecting our life subconsciously to this illusion.
Its illogical...the small voice in your head will say. But why is this voice always small, so much so that it ends up getting ignored? Though the fear of getting hurt will keep raising its head again and again. It'll keep tormenting with the unanswerable 'what if'. What if we're wrong in our judgment? What if the whole thing is just a figment of our twisted imagination. What if bruises and pain await you on the other side of this blissful ride to wonderland? This 'beautiful' stranger is sitting pretty far off to beat the shit out of you. But who can tell for certain,when this something special might turn into something not so special or maybe not. You might as well be in for a surprise. Well isn't the small voice right..always? But you make it shutup anyway. At least until you find out what this strange connection is? What if you don't find out??